[me, still screaming: how do you write a character who actually kisses back for once
anyway.
he still doesn't expect anything from mineo, per se. he knows this won't be a reoccurring thing. it's like mineo said—anything like actual dating is off the table. white has always known that, not in the least because at the end of the day, they're simply living on borrowed time. (that they both are is the only thing that makes it even remotely fair.)
after this, he can shut off his feelings. it's all he's been doing his entire life. in greater extremes, it's how he became a killer when he never wanted to, how he acted as a representative for a religion he barely bothered to understand, how he fought for a cause he didn't even believe in.
to live with himself, to live at all.
so, he'll do the same here. (but he's selfish enough to want to be happy.) and thus he'll take this too, while he can, even as a part of him still wonders if mineo is only doing this out of some self-imposed obligation. but hey, even a pity kiss would probably count as indulgence on some level.
regardless of mineo's motivations, though, white presses in. not without some uncertainty, given that there's a precarious line to walk when kissing a guy who's still possibly not into him, but he's hardly about to not reciprocate—for however long or fleeting this moment lasts.
then, they'll return to how they've always been before. focus on the end goal.]
[jan really hit a milestone here and i think that's something that's worth being proud of.
it's just -
mineo isn't thinking about things in complex terms. he is simple-minded, and he is sincere. what he knows is that even though they can't date - that doesn't mean that he wants a moment to pass without someone important to him having any doubts about whether or not he cares about their feelings. and maybe he's still failing that, but.
but he wants to try.
his heart hammers against his chest, and he thinks that it's such - a crazy, exhilarating feeling to kiss someone who wants to kiss him back. to want and to be wanted. he's not bold enough to press for more, even if there's some odd aching feeling that's been persistent throughout the week that suggest that oh having just a bit more wouldn't be bad, would it.
but he resists. if just barely. he pulls back from the kiss and opens his eyes and - well, it's like he remembers to be embarrassed.]
[he pulls back a moment after mineo, bright red and his own heart still racing in his chest. shifting so that he's turned away from mineo, as he buries his face into his hand.]
... Are you seriously asking that? Idiot. ... I-It was fine.
[god, he hates this moron. of course he would go and ask afterwards if it was okay. whoever he's banging or not banging or whatever the hell he's doing has white's sympathy.]
he's just doubling over in laughter on the couch now. it's not even mocking in tone—actually, despite the bittersweetness lurking in this situation, it's probably the most sincere and carefree laugh he's had in a long time.]
[that felt good? not that he hasn't laughed plenty of times, but, well. it's different when he does it to feel "normal", as it usually is on some level.
here, it's born from the simple, small part of him that's reminded of how the world isn't always so bad after all.]
I said you're doing fine, and I'm never wrong, so! Stop stressing over it.
[hrrmmmmm he's pouting a bit still at that, unsure. now he's going to wonder if he's a bad kisser for like a week. but rules of otome suggest he is not so.
just going to look away before looking back]
... fine... If you say so.
Ahh, I don't even know what I'm doing! This place really throws everything off....!
[the anxious part of white wonders if that's mineo regretting the kiss already, but he feels like it's better not to let that show, so. he just shrugs.]
Then just forget about it. You're going to give yourself a headache with all that worrying.
[honestly, people caring still feels like a borderline foreign concept—one he barely knows how to deal with platonically, never mind with other factors mixed in.
it's that awkwardness, the mix of kneejerk discomfort and warmth, that has white look away.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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anyway.
he still doesn't expect anything from mineo, per se. he knows this won't be a reoccurring thing. it's like mineo said—anything like actual dating is off the table. white has always known that, not in the least because at the end of the day, they're simply living on borrowed time. (that they both are is the only thing that makes it even remotely fair.)
after this, he can shut off his feelings. it's all he's been doing his entire life. in greater extremes, it's how he became a killer when he never wanted to, how he acted as a representative for a religion he barely bothered to understand, how he fought for a cause he didn't even believe in.
to live with himself, to live at all.
so, he'll do the same here. (but he's selfish enough to want to be happy.) and thus he'll take this too, while he can, even as a part of him still wonders if mineo is only doing this out of some self-imposed obligation. but hey, even a pity kiss would probably count as indulgence on some level.
regardless of mineo's motivations, though, white presses in. not without some uncertainty, given that there's a precarious line to walk when kissing a guy who's still possibly not into him, but he's hardly about to not reciprocate—for however long or fleeting this moment lasts.
then, they'll return to how they've always been before. focus on the end goal.]
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it's just -
mineo isn't thinking about things in complex terms. he is simple-minded, and he is sincere. what he knows is that even though they can't date - that doesn't mean that he wants a moment to pass without someone important to him having any doubts about whether or not he cares about their feelings. and maybe he's still failing that, but.
but he wants to try.
his heart hammers against his chest, and he thinks that it's such - a crazy, exhilarating feeling to kiss someone who wants to kiss him back. to want and to be wanted. he's not bold enough to press for more, even if there's some odd aching feeling that's been persistent throughout the week that suggest that oh having just a bit more wouldn't be bad, would it.
but he resists. if just barely. he pulls back from the kiss and opens his eyes and - well, it's like he remembers to be embarrassed.]
... um. Was - that okay?
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... Are you seriously asking that? Idiot. ... I-It was fine.
[god, he hates this moron. of course he would go and ask afterwards if it was okay. whoever he's banging or not banging or whatever the hell he's doing has white's sympathy.]
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O-Of course I should ask if it's okay...!! I don't wanna do anything you don't like...!
[IT'S IMPORTANT TO COMMUNICATE WHEN YOU'RE IN DOKIS, WHITE]
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Stop worrying so much. I said yes, didn't I? Are you asking me to rate your kissing technique or something!?
[PLEASE]
It was fine. [good, even, but he's not going to say that?] If I had a problem, you'd know because I would be decking you.
[communication]
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I wasn't even thinking about that! That's true, I don't know how to kiss anybody! I just went for it!!
[THIS IS SO DUMB]
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he's just doubling over in laughter on the couch now. it's not even mocking in tone—actually, despite the bittersweetness lurking in this situation, it's probably the most sincere and carefree laugh he's had in a long time.]
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HE'S STILL LOOKING UNSURE]
Shut up, man!! I'm doing my best here!
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I know, I know!
[that felt good? not that he hasn't laughed plenty of times, but, well. it's different when he does it to feel "normal", as it usually is on some level.
here, it's born from the simple, small part of him that's reminded of how the world isn't always so bad after all.]
I said you're doing fine, and I'm never wrong, so! Stop stressing over it.
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just going to look away before looking back]
... fine... If you say so.
Ahh, I don't even know what I'm doing! This place really throws everything off....!
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Then just forget about it. You're going to give yourself a headache with all that worrying.
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It involves you and how you feel.
Of course I'm gonna worry.
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You really don't need to worry about me that much.
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.... maybe worry's a bad word.
[he rubs his neck awkwardly.]
I just care. You get that, right? Even if it's hard to figure out everything else right now.... I do care about you.
[and he's not too emotionally constipated to admit it]
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it's that awkwardness, the mix of kneejerk discomfort and warmth, that has white look away.]
... I know. Thanks.
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Okay. As long as you know.
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... You make it hard to forget. Idiot.