[ . . . . it'd be nice, if things could be this simple. there's a sense of longing for that from mineo, if he could just turn off his brain and enjoy this.
but there is a reason why he asked for a kiss in the first place. he thinks that there are some things that words can't quite work out. there's a sense of gratitude, affection, overwhelming fondness - he likes white. he wants to give him better than anything he's received so far, and there's a bitterness that's directed at mineo's own self for disappointing him. he knows what he's done and even if he can't take it back, he wishes that there was a way to truly make up for it.
it's just that - more than the rest of those feelings, mineo cares about him. and he doesn't want to leave any room for doubt at that. that white's an amazing person - clumsy, reckless, more than a little violent maybe - and mineo feelings nothing but positive feelings for him, no matter what his actions today suggested. he doesn't want his lies to overshadow his truths.
he wonders if all of that can come across in a kiss. he's not sure, but with emotionshare, he hopes to at least try.
(there is a flash of uncertainty. guilt. not being sure if this is the right thing to do, when both of them don't have enough time and mineo had other people confess to him, and he knows he isn't good enough to promise more than this. he doesn't want things to get more complicated by setting expectations he can't meet.)
it passes quickly, like he can only think of one thing at a time, and would much rather focus purely on white knowing just how much he likes him back - even if it's not allowed to last.
when he pulls back, he presses another kiss to white's forehead]
... thank you. [he says again] ... for everything.
[mineo's feelings almost threaten to drown him, in their volume and sincerity. he doesn't know what to do with them, but in the end, maybe he doesn't need to—because the answer, really, is nothing.
he senses that uncertainty, and he can take a guess as to why it exists. all he can try to do in return—however quickly it passes—is present mineo with understanding and acceptance. he doesn't expect anything from this. he's aware that no matter how he feels, or how mineo might even feel, it wouldn't work out. not in this place, and not under the circumstances in which they came here.
if mineo hadn't pressed him on it back then, he'd never have said anything to begin with. at least, not until the end, when mineo wouldn't feel pressured to think about it.
white is already gone. if not before his death, then with it. ultimately, he made his choice. when he stood there before lucifer, he knew that he was forfeiting any rights he had left—to a future, to happiness.
and there's a flicker of bittersweet melancholy, for the life that never was. white would be lying if he said a part of him didn't wish for something more selfish than this. but when all is said and done, he's a pragmatist; he adapts to work with the reality he's given. here, the truth is simple: this is as far as things will ever go. he's not foolish enough to ask for more, whether it be from mineo or the world.
all he can do is echo that fondness and gratitude, because regardless of what mineo has done today, it's overshadowed without question by everything else he's done these past weeks. far from perfect, and so utterly frustrating, but still one of the most empathetic, thoughtful, and hardworking people white has ever met.]
[ . . . . mineo can't help but smile a little bit at that, his mouth curving into the shame even as his own feelings turn just a bit - confused? at white's words.]
.... I think if anything, you owe me a good punch soon. [given all the mistakes that mineo's made, even as willing as white is to forgive him for them. or maybe forgive is too strong of a word - overlook might work a little bit better.
still - the understanding and acceptance manage to make his heart ache just a little bit more. mineo is ultimately a romantic at the end of the day, and how badly he wanted to be able to give all of himself to someone but - this isn't the place for it. their circumstances only make it more difficult, not to mention every person who tried to demonstrate their own care and affection for mineo, even if they also expected nothing back.
it's overwhelming. but at least in this moment... there is only the faintest sense of longing that remains, of wishing for a simpler future that doesn't exist for either of them, before he tries to quietly lull the feeling back to sleep. somewhere that he won't worry about it.]
.... you let me get away with a little too much, don't you think? I don't know how to start making things up to you - but I'll do my best.
[owe mineo a punch, that is. he won't deny that much. but he can be angry and grateful towards him all at once.
maybe this was a mistake. mineo's the one who asked, but white can't help but wonder if this only made things worse for him, rather than help anything at all. or maybe he shouldn't think about it in the first place, because in the end, he wants to hold onto whatever scraps of happiness the world will allow him.]
... You're your own worst critic, you know.
[though white can acknowledge his own expectations are skewed. when life itself was a privilege and not a right, white doesn't know what, at this point, is too much or too little. (and cynically, he realizes that if this situation ever came up again, mineo would likely make the same choices all over again, so what does it matter, really?)]
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no subject
but there is a reason why he asked for a kiss in the first place. he thinks that there are some things that words can't quite work out. there's a sense of gratitude, affection, overwhelming fondness - he likes white. he wants to give him better than anything he's received so far, and there's a bitterness that's directed at mineo's own self for disappointing him. he knows what he's done and even if he can't take it back, he wishes that there was a way to truly make up for it.
it's just that - more than the rest of those feelings, mineo cares about him. and he doesn't want to leave any room for doubt at that. that white's an amazing person - clumsy, reckless, more than a little violent maybe - and mineo feelings nothing but positive feelings for him, no matter what his actions today suggested. he doesn't want his lies to overshadow his truths.
he wonders if all of that can come across in a kiss. he's not sure, but with emotionshare, he hopes to at least try.
(there is a flash of uncertainty. guilt. not being sure if this is the right thing to do, when both of them don't have enough time and mineo had other people confess to him, and he knows he isn't good enough to promise more than this. he doesn't want things to get more complicated by setting expectations he can't meet.)
it passes quickly, like he can only think of one thing at a time, and would much rather focus purely on white knowing just how much he likes him back - even if it's not allowed to last.
when he pulls back, he presses another kiss to white's forehead]
... thank you. [he says again] ... for everything.
no subject
he senses that uncertainty, and he can take a guess as to why it exists. all he can try to do in return—however quickly it passes—is present mineo with understanding and acceptance. he doesn't expect anything from this. he's aware that no matter how he feels, or how mineo might even feel, it wouldn't work out. not in this place, and not under the circumstances in which they came here.
if mineo hadn't pressed him on it back then, he'd never have said anything to begin with. at least, not until the end, when mineo wouldn't feel pressured to think about it.
white is already gone. if not before his death, then with it. ultimately, he made his choice. when he stood there before lucifer, he knew that he was forfeiting any rights he had left—to a future, to happiness.
and there's a flicker of bittersweet melancholy, for the life that never was. white would be lying if he said a part of him didn't wish for something more selfish than this. but when all is said and done, he's a pragmatist; he adapts to work with the reality he's given. here, the truth is simple: this is as far as things will ever go. he's not foolish enough to ask for more, whether it be from mineo or the world.
all he can do is echo that fondness and gratitude, because regardless of what mineo has done today, it's overshadowed without question by everything else he's done these past weeks. far from perfect, and so utterly frustrating, but still one of the most empathetic, thoughtful, and hardworking people white has ever met.]
... That should be my line.
no subject
.... I think if anything, you owe me a good punch soon. [given all the mistakes that mineo's made, even as willing as white is to forgive him for them. or maybe forgive is too strong of a word - overlook might work a little bit better.
still - the understanding and acceptance manage to make his heart ache just a little bit more. mineo is ultimately a romantic at the end of the day, and how badly he wanted to be able to give all of himself to someone but - this isn't the place for it. their circumstances only make it more difficult, not to mention every person who tried to demonstrate their own care and affection for mineo, even if they also expected nothing back.
it's overwhelming. but at least in this moment... there is only the faintest sense of longing that remains, of wishing for a simpler future that doesn't exist for either of them, before he tries to quietly lull the feeling back to sleep. somewhere that he won't worry about it.]
.... you let me get away with a little too much, don't you think? I don't know how to start making things up to you - but I'll do my best.
no subject
[owe mineo a punch, that is. he won't deny that much. but he can be angry and grateful towards him all at once.
maybe this was a mistake. mineo's the one who asked, but white can't help but wonder if this only made things worse for him, rather than help anything at all. or maybe he shouldn't think about it in the first place, because in the end, he wants to hold onto whatever scraps of happiness the world will allow him.]
... You're your own worst critic, you know.
[though white can acknowledge his own expectations are skewed. when life itself was a privilege and not a right, white doesn't know what, at this point, is too much or too little. (and cynically, he realizes that if this situation ever came up again, mineo would likely make the same choices all over again, so what does it matter, really?)]