[ . . . . it's so dumb and embarrassing and also not even remotely romantic or suave - but he's still so fond. there's the little bit of surprise that white actually did it, but it comes with notes of amusement and warmth anyway. cute. very cute.
so mineo returns the kiss easily enough, and he does bring up his hand to white's face again just to rest against his jaw, a suggestion to stay in the same place - just so that when he pulls back, mineo can claim a second kiss on the heels of the first. apparently he's a little greedy after all.
[please, white would like to be considered suave some day in his life maybe
he might've gotten a little indignant over the surprise—don't think he can't back up his claims, wow—but it's drowned out by the warmth that spreads. there are sparks at mineo's touch; it's terrifying and exhilarating all at once how much white likes him, especially when he usually has to remind himself to restrain those feelings.
when mineo initiates a second, there's a note of surprise on white's end this time, and he can't help but mumble against mineo's lips—]
Idiot.
[but he returns the kiss, as easily as mineo did the first time around.]
[ . . . . it'd be nice, if things could be this simple. there's a sense of longing for that from mineo, if he could just turn off his brain and enjoy this.
but there is a reason why he asked for a kiss in the first place. he thinks that there are some things that words can't quite work out. there's a sense of gratitude, affection, overwhelming fondness - he likes white. he wants to give him better than anything he's received so far, and there's a bitterness that's directed at mineo's own self for disappointing him. he knows what he's done and even if he can't take it back, he wishes that there was a way to truly make up for it.
it's just that - more than the rest of those feelings, mineo cares about him. and he doesn't want to leave any room for doubt at that. that white's an amazing person - clumsy, reckless, more than a little violent maybe - and mineo feelings nothing but positive feelings for him, no matter what his actions today suggested. he doesn't want his lies to overshadow his truths.
he wonders if all of that can come across in a kiss. he's not sure, but with emotionshare, he hopes to at least try.
(there is a flash of uncertainty. guilt. not being sure if this is the right thing to do, when both of them don't have enough time and mineo had other people confess to him, and he knows he isn't good enough to promise more than this. he doesn't want things to get more complicated by setting expectations he can't meet.)
it passes quickly, like he can only think of one thing at a time, and would much rather focus purely on white knowing just how much he likes him back - even if it's not allowed to last.
when he pulls back, he presses another kiss to white's forehead]
... thank you. [he says again] ... for everything.
[mineo's feelings almost threaten to drown him, in their volume and sincerity. he doesn't know what to do with them, but in the end, maybe he doesn't need to—because the answer, really, is nothing.
he senses that uncertainty, and he can take a guess as to why it exists. all he can try to do in return—however quickly it passes—is present mineo with understanding and acceptance. he doesn't expect anything from this. he's aware that no matter how he feels, or how mineo might even feel, it wouldn't work out. not in this place, and not under the circumstances in which they came here.
if mineo hadn't pressed him on it back then, he'd never have said anything to begin with. at least, not until the end, when mineo wouldn't feel pressured to think about it.
white is already gone. if not before his death, then with it. ultimately, he made his choice. when he stood there before lucifer, he knew that he was forfeiting any rights he had left—to a future, to happiness.
and there's a flicker of bittersweet melancholy, for the life that never was. white would be lying if he said a part of him didn't wish for something more selfish than this. but when all is said and done, he's a pragmatist; he adapts to work with the reality he's given. here, the truth is simple: this is as far as things will ever go. he's not foolish enough to ask for more, whether it be from mineo or the world.
all he can do is echo that fondness and gratitude, because regardless of what mineo has done today, it's overshadowed without question by everything else he's done these past weeks. far from perfect, and so utterly frustrating, but still one of the most empathetic, thoughtful, and hardworking people white has ever met.]
[ . . . . mineo can't help but smile a little bit at that, his mouth curving into the shame even as his own feelings turn just a bit - confused? at white's words.]
.... I think if anything, you owe me a good punch soon. [given all the mistakes that mineo's made, even as willing as white is to forgive him for them. or maybe forgive is too strong of a word - overlook might work a little bit better.
still - the understanding and acceptance manage to make his heart ache just a little bit more. mineo is ultimately a romantic at the end of the day, and how badly he wanted to be able to give all of himself to someone but - this isn't the place for it. their circumstances only make it more difficult, not to mention every person who tried to demonstrate their own care and affection for mineo, even if they also expected nothing back.
it's overwhelming. but at least in this moment... there is only the faintest sense of longing that remains, of wishing for a simpler future that doesn't exist for either of them, before he tries to quietly lull the feeling back to sleep. somewhere that he won't worry about it.]
.... you let me get away with a little too much, don't you think? I don't know how to start making things up to you - but I'll do my best.
[owe mineo a punch, that is. he won't deny that much. but he can be angry and grateful towards him all at once.
maybe this was a mistake. mineo's the one who asked, but white can't help but wonder if this only made things worse for him, rather than help anything at all. or maybe he shouldn't think about it in the first place, because in the end, he wants to hold onto whatever scraps of happiness the world will allow him.]
... You're your own worst critic, you know.
[though white can acknowledge his own expectations are skewed. when life itself was a privilege and not a right, white doesn't know what, at this point, is too much or too little. (and cynically, he realizes that if this situation ever came up again, mineo would likely make the same choices all over again, so what does it matter, really?)]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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I - how can I have resolve about this?! I'm trying to be really careful, you know?! But stuff here gets so complicated...
[this is the worst]
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Stop being so careful for once! If you don't do something in five seconds, I'll do it!
[internal screaming]
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Y-You will....?!
[he's like
not not down]
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W-Why is this surprising!?
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gay chicken?]
Because you've never asked or suggested you wanted to?!
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'Cause I thought it'd be weird for you or some shit!
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Why would it be weird? I said it's fine... [he's just math ladying this now] I'm doing everything out of order here anyway....
If I was going to be hooking up with people, I'd at least prefer it to be someone I like and trust? Did I not make that clear enough...
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S-Sorry....
[for not... making that clear...]
—I was getting worried about you and your indulgences until you got the scroll, you know?!
[he really was going to suggest making out if that'd help white get his wish????]
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[STOP HE'S JUST GETTING MORE FLUSTERED]
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[NOW HE'S GETTING EMBARRASSED MORE, THIS IS JUST A VERY EMBARRASSED FEEDBACK LOOP]
What was I supposed to do?! Just sit around and accept that you weren't indulging enough to get your wish that you really, really need?!
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as he just slowly sinks to a crouch on the floor.]
Ugh...
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.... was this a bad suggestion....
[it took them both out. now he's overheating]
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[phew. okay. breathe out. anyway, he's getting back up now.]
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he's still quietly vibrating with nervousness but he is giving white a moment]
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wow!!
he's going to gentle pry mineo's hand from his face if it's still there and pretend he isn't also awkwardly vibing here.]
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after a few more seconds]
.... are you not...?
[didn't white say he was going to kiss him]
Eh, am I getting greedy.
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[ALL RIGHT DEFINITELY STILL EMBARRASSED
but after a moment in which he accepts he's never going to be more composed than this, he leans forward to press his lips against mineo's.]
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so mineo returns the kiss easily enough, and he does bring up his hand to white's face again just to rest against his jaw, a suggestion to stay in the same place - just so that when he pulls back, mineo can claim a second kiss on the heels of the first. apparently he's a little greedy after all.
there.
now they both initiated.]
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he might've gotten a little indignant over the surprise—don't think he can't back up his claims, wow—but it's drowned out by the warmth that spreads. there are sparks at mineo's touch; it's terrifying and exhilarating all at once how much white likes him, especially when he usually has to remind himself to restrain those feelings.
when mineo initiates a second, there's a note of surprise on white's end this time, and he can't help but mumble against mineo's lips—]
Idiot.
[but he returns the kiss, as easily as mineo did the first time around.]
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but there is a reason why he asked for a kiss in the first place. he thinks that there are some things that words can't quite work out. there's a sense of gratitude, affection, overwhelming fondness - he likes white. he wants to give him better than anything he's received so far, and there's a bitterness that's directed at mineo's own self for disappointing him. he knows what he's done and even if he can't take it back, he wishes that there was a way to truly make up for it.
it's just that - more than the rest of those feelings, mineo cares about him. and he doesn't want to leave any room for doubt at that. that white's an amazing person - clumsy, reckless, more than a little violent maybe - and mineo feelings nothing but positive feelings for him, no matter what his actions today suggested. he doesn't want his lies to overshadow his truths.
he wonders if all of that can come across in a kiss. he's not sure, but with emotionshare, he hopes to at least try.
(there is a flash of uncertainty. guilt. not being sure if this is the right thing to do, when both of them don't have enough time and mineo had other people confess to him, and he knows he isn't good enough to promise more than this. he doesn't want things to get more complicated by setting expectations he can't meet.)
it passes quickly, like he can only think of one thing at a time, and would much rather focus purely on white knowing just how much he likes him back - even if it's not allowed to last.
when he pulls back, he presses another kiss to white's forehead]
... thank you. [he says again] ... for everything.
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he senses that uncertainty, and he can take a guess as to why it exists. all he can try to do in return—however quickly it passes—is present mineo with understanding and acceptance. he doesn't expect anything from this. he's aware that no matter how he feels, or how mineo might even feel, it wouldn't work out. not in this place, and not under the circumstances in which they came here.
if mineo hadn't pressed him on it back then, he'd never have said anything to begin with. at least, not until the end, when mineo wouldn't feel pressured to think about it.
white is already gone. if not before his death, then with it. ultimately, he made his choice. when he stood there before lucifer, he knew that he was forfeiting any rights he had left—to a future, to happiness.
and there's a flicker of bittersweet melancholy, for the life that never was. white would be lying if he said a part of him didn't wish for something more selfish than this. but when all is said and done, he's a pragmatist; he adapts to work with the reality he's given. here, the truth is simple: this is as far as things will ever go. he's not foolish enough to ask for more, whether it be from mineo or the world.
all he can do is echo that fondness and gratitude, because regardless of what mineo has done today, it's overshadowed without question by everything else he's done these past weeks. far from perfect, and so utterly frustrating, but still one of the most empathetic, thoughtful, and hardworking people white has ever met.]
... That should be my line.
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.... I think if anything, you owe me a good punch soon. [given all the mistakes that mineo's made, even as willing as white is to forgive him for them. or maybe forgive is too strong of a word - overlook might work a little bit better.
still - the understanding and acceptance manage to make his heart ache just a little bit more. mineo is ultimately a romantic at the end of the day, and how badly he wanted to be able to give all of himself to someone but - this isn't the place for it. their circumstances only make it more difficult, not to mention every person who tried to demonstrate their own care and affection for mineo, even if they also expected nothing back.
it's overwhelming. but at least in this moment... there is only the faintest sense of longing that remains, of wishing for a simpler future that doesn't exist for either of them, before he tries to quietly lull the feeling back to sleep. somewhere that he won't worry about it.]
.... you let me get away with a little too much, don't you think? I don't know how to start making things up to you - but I'll do my best.
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[owe mineo a punch, that is. he won't deny that much. but he can be angry and grateful towards him all at once.
maybe this was a mistake. mineo's the one who asked, but white can't help but wonder if this only made things worse for him, rather than help anything at all. or maybe he shouldn't think about it in the first place, because in the end, he wants to hold onto whatever scraps of happiness the world will allow him.]
... You're your own worst critic, you know.
[though white can acknowledge his own expectations are skewed. when life itself was a privilege and not a right, white doesn't know what, at this point, is too much or too little. (and cynically, he realizes that if this situation ever came up again, mineo would likely make the same choices all over again, so what does it matter, really?)]