[he watches her, a little startled, but his expression otherwise oddly passive.]
Maybe. Been there, done that. It was pretty satisfying sometimes too, though getting what you want never seems to be as good as the process of wanting it.
[The reply is gentle, unexpectedly. Despite all of this. . . sword clinging, bitchy mess of her reaction, she's feeling a little affectionate towards this dumb boy.]
I only. . . knew something of what you meant. Before here, before this, there was something else I wanted more than anything in the world. And yet, once it was in sight, the cost became clear. Too dear to pay, yet too late to refuse it. Even so, there were others who paid the cost so easily, and never looked back or felt an atom of regret. I wonder sometimes what the flaw is in me, in my resolve, that I couldn't do the same.
[he leans back against a wall, crossing his arms.]
Well, I'm no good at all this self-reflection thing, but it's not like we're machines, right? [unless harrow is about to reveal she's a goth robot. then this'll be awkward.] We're, uh, allowed to change our minds. Or feel like we can do better and go "fuck you" at the world for setting a price on this stuff?
[he pauses, shifting awkwardly like he's trying to think of how to say this.]
... I knew this girl. She refused to kill people, even though that attitude got you disposed of. I remember telling her to go and die if she hated it so much, but she couldn't bring herself to do that either. Caught her crying about how she didn't want to die, when it really hit her that she could be killed anytime for this.
Honestly, I didn't get her at all. If she wanted to live so fucking badly, then she should just do as she's told instead of bringing morals into it, right?
[...]
But... I kind of understand now. Her getting upset over not having it both ways—that was proof she wasn't willing to just settle for a compromise. That she wanted better out of her life.
[Who were they meant to kill? Who would ensure they die? She wants to ask, but she also doesn't; she doesn't want to break this fragile conversation, dancing around something honest.]
There's a nobility in that, perhaps. But nobility is a luxury. To weep for a better choice won't make it possible.
Probably, yeah. She got lucky that she had family out to save her, since she probably would've been killed sooner or later.
[and a lot of people don't have the luxury of having anyone there for him. not that white is speaking from experience or anything.]
Anyway, the point is less about ethics and shit, and more like—if you feel conflicted about something, that just means you had more than one important thing in your life, right?
People who can do stuff without ever looking back... sometimes, it's less about resolve and more that they didn't have anything else in the first place, maybe. Or, you know, they're sociopaths.
[Oh. That. . . makes some sense, actually. More than one important thing. Does she have that, too? She's not sure she could articulate what that is, but all the same.
. . . Or her cohort are all sociopaths. That makes sense, too.]
It's a cold comfort, but it is a comfort, I think.
[Her voice is a little soft, again. Bullying aside, White is. . . he's good. There's something about him, and the way he carries himself, that makes her want to trust him.]
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Maybe. Been there, done that. It was pretty satisfying sometimes too, though getting what you want never seems to be as good as the process of wanting it.
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[Yeah. It's. . . a lot.]
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[The reply is gentle, unexpectedly. Despite all of this. . . sword clinging, bitchy mess of her reaction, she's feeling a little affectionate towards this dumb boy.]
I only. . . knew something of what you meant. Before here, before this, there was something else I wanted more than anything in the world. And yet, once it was in sight, the cost became clear. Too dear to pay, yet too late to refuse it. Even so, there were others who paid the cost so easily, and never looked back or felt an atom of regret. I wonder sometimes what the flaw is in me, in my resolve, that I couldn't do the same.
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Well, I'm no good at all this self-reflection thing, but it's not like we're machines, right? [unless harrow is about to reveal she's a goth robot. then this'll be awkward.] We're, uh, allowed to change our minds. Or feel like we can do better and go "fuck you" at the world for setting a price on this stuff?
[he pauses, shifting awkwardly like he's trying to think of how to say this.]
... I knew this girl. She refused to kill people, even though that attitude got you disposed of. I remember telling her to go and die if she hated it so much, but she couldn't bring herself to do that either. Caught her crying about how she didn't want to die, when it really hit her that she could be killed anytime for this.
Honestly, I didn't get her at all. If she wanted to live so fucking badly, then she should just do as she's told instead of bringing morals into it, right?
[...]
But... I kind of understand now. Her getting upset over not having it both ways—that was proof she wasn't willing to just settle for a compromise. That she wanted better out of her life.
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There's a nobility in that, perhaps. But nobility is a luxury. To weep for a better choice won't make it possible.
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[and a lot of people don't have the luxury of having anyone there for him. not that white is speaking from experience or anything.]
Anyway, the point is less about ethics and shit, and more like—if you feel conflicted about something, that just means you had more than one important thing in your life, right?
People who can do stuff without ever looking back... sometimes, it's less about resolve and more that they didn't have anything else in the first place, maybe. Or, you know, they're sociopaths.
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. . . Or her cohort are all sociopaths. That makes sense, too.]
It's a cold comfort, but it is a comfort, I think.
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Well, can't do much to change the fact that the world tends to be crappy like that.
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[Her voice is a little soft, again. Bullying aside, White is. . . he's good. There's something about him, and the way he carries himself, that makes her want to trust him.]
But maybe we'll find a way.
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... Heh. Well, I'm always up for spiting whatever life wants to throw at people.
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Good. I feel that I might like to as well.
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he makes a vague hand gesture that. probably doesn't mean anything but is meant to look confident.]
Then you better keep that in mind, even when this place is being shitty.
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. . . Did you think that was a cool thing to say?
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I-I was trying!