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[ . . . he just shakes his head.]
Just stuff we've talked about before - from back home. How hard it can be to do anything if the people at the top don't listen.
... but we've still got stuff to do, so we can't really wait for them. I'm with you on struggling to understand anything but... at least people are sharing.
Just stuff we've talked about before - from back home. How hard it can be to do anything if the people at the top don't listen.
... but we've still got stuff to do, so we can't really wait for them. I'm with you on struggling to understand anything but... at least people are sharing.
Kitchen
[and when white wanders in, mineo's already making two bowls of his gourmet instant ramen
. . . his emotions are a mess. they're a disaster. they're so many things. guilt, uncertainty, resignation, worry, anger at himself but - well. it's fine.]
[and when white wanders in, mineo's already making two bowls of his gourmet instant ramen
. . . his emotions are a mess. they're a disaster. they're so many things. guilt, uncertainty, resignation, worry, anger at himself but - well. it's fine.]
[white does not want to be here. he doesn't know how to talk to mineo, and he doesn't want to risk having his emotions on display. but—especially after whatever the fuck happened with gojou—the last thing white needs is mineo thinking he hates him and spiraling further into self-loathing.
... not that any of this shows, because when white walks into the kitchen, hands shoved into his pockets, his expression is blank and his feelings equally so.]
... not that any of this shows, because when white walks into the kitchen, hands shoved into his pockets, his expression is blank and his feelings equally so.]
[ . . . . . . well.
it's the lack of anything at all that - manages to set mineo off worse. he doesn't show it. he doesn't show the way that his heart aches a little with the lack of being able to read anything at all, the worry that he's ruined things beyond repair, and the concern that he's forced white into having dinner with him out of politeness.
he finishes putting the ramen in the bowl, and he pushes it toward him.]
... nevermind - I, uh, can handle myself. Just do me a favor and eat this serving? You can leave the bowl in the sink, I'll wash it when I come back.
[but because he's feeling a coward - more now than any other moment - he moves to leave]
it's the lack of anything at all that - manages to set mineo off worse. he doesn't show it. he doesn't show the way that his heart aches a little with the lack of being able to read anything at all, the worry that he's ruined things beyond repair, and the concern that he's forced white into having dinner with him out of politeness.
he finishes putting the ramen in the bowl, and he pushes it toward him.]
... nevermind - I, uh, can handle myself. Just do me a favor and eat this serving? You can leave the bowl in the sink, I'll wash it when I come back.
[but because he's feeling a coward - more now than any other moment - he moves to leave]
[...
he reaches out to grab mineo's wrist. he barely knows what he's doing, with too many words caught in his throat and too many emotions threatening to seep through the cracks in his walls, but—]
You fucking idiot.
[he doesn't know what his own voice sounds like. to him, or to mineo. if it's furious, or pained.]
... No matter what, I'm on your side.
[is he angry at mineo? of course. he's aligned with wrath for a reason. he finds so many reasons to be upset with people. he's hurt, in ways that he doesn't know how to explain; doesn't want to, after insisting that he's used to this.
but the funny thing is, whether it be back home or now... his anger is a fire, and yet when all is burned away, white himself is always the one left stained in the ashes of his own resentment.
(and he will consider mineo more important than himself, always. he can put aside any of his other feelings for that.)]
he reaches out to grab mineo's wrist. he barely knows what he's doing, with too many words caught in his throat and too many emotions threatening to seep through the cracks in his walls, but—]
You fucking idiot.
[he doesn't know what his own voice sounds like. to him, or to mineo. if it's furious, or pained.]
... No matter what, I'm on your side.
[is he angry at mineo? of course. he's aligned with wrath for a reason. he finds so many reasons to be upset with people. he's hurt, in ways that he doesn't know how to explain; doesn't want to, after insisting that he's used to this.
but the funny thing is, whether it be back home or now... his anger is a fire, and yet when all is burned away, white himself is always the one left stained in the ashes of his own resentment.
(and he will consider mineo more important than himself, always. he can put aside any of his other feelings for that.)]
[ . . . . . he stops when his wrist is grabbed but - it's hard for him to parse. he sifts through white's feelings at that and there's just a feeling of guilt. he knows that he failed him as a best friend, and he knows that he took a lot on himself even when he knows how badly people would've wanted to support him. instead he let white continue all day not knowing anything.
mineo really is the worst.]
.... you don't have to be. [softly, sadly] You can be on anyone else's side, and I get it. My side is.... it's so messy, I don't even know up from down.
[he knows just how wild and chaotic it is, to follow after someone like him.]
I wouldn't be on the side of someone who struggles so much to tell me things, or who fucks up like this.
mineo really is the worst.]
.... you don't have to be. [softly, sadly] You can be on anyone else's side, and I get it. My side is.... it's so messy, I don't even know up from down.
[he knows just how wild and chaotic it is, to follow after someone like him.]
I wouldn't be on the side of someone who struggles so much to tell me things, or who fucks up like this.
[for a moment, white grits his teeth, before, his voice low,]
You don't get to decide that for me.
[enough people have tried to tell white what to do or how to feel. he's lied to himself all his life, settled for whatever mentality kept him sane, with the only constant being his desire to live. (but even that, sometimes, is its own illusion. because his obsession with survival is a two-sided coin, and on the other side—the one that he can only voice in his dreams—is that on some days, he cannot see a reason to go on.)
but what he lived for, whether towards the end of his life or here, is the people he cares about.
so while there's still so much he's keeping at bay, the determination that burns from him is genuine.]
Yeah, you're a fucking mess. So am I. Just—don't. Don't—
[don't what? white doesn't know how he was going to finish that sentence.
don't run away, however hypocritically, when white himself feels like doing just that.
don't make me lose you, maybe.
...
then again, it's not as if he's ever been able to hold onto anything. and so, he lets go.]
... If you want to go, then go.
You don't get to decide that for me.
[enough people have tried to tell white what to do or how to feel. he's lied to himself all his life, settled for whatever mentality kept him sane, with the only constant being his desire to live. (but even that, sometimes, is its own illusion. because his obsession with survival is a two-sided coin, and on the other side—the one that he can only voice in his dreams—is that on some days, he cannot see a reason to go on.)
but what he lived for, whether towards the end of his life or here, is the people he cares about.
so while there's still so much he's keeping at bay, the determination that burns from him is genuine.]
Yeah, you're a fucking mess. So am I. Just—don't. Don't—
[don't what? white doesn't know how he was going to finish that sentence.
don't run away, however hypocritically, when white himself feels like doing just that.
don't make me lose you, maybe.
...
then again, it's not as if he's ever been able to hold onto anything. and so, he lets go.]
... If you want to go, then go.
Edited 2021-03-28 04:39 (UTC)
..... I don't.
[that's what leaves his mouth first, because it's what he's most sure of. where white drops his hold on mineo's wrist, mineo will be the one to reach out instead then, taking ahold of white's wrist before he can get that far. and then more certainly, like it's the only thing that manages to really make it through the noise - ]
.... I don't want to go. [and that's the aching truth, even if there remains an uncertainty about if that type of request is something that he even deserves] But I don't know how to forgive myself for hurting you.
[because -
he knows he has? after all of that, he knows he has. he knows that he hurt endorsi, medb for stealing away their friend. but he also knows that he hurt white by keeping secrets for the umpteenth time, for letting white continue to trust him all throughout trial without saying a single thing.
and he doesn't know which of them is beating themselves up worse for mineo's mistakes and decisions that he's not allowed to take back, and he's not allowed to make differently because he already committed them to their history]
[that's what leaves his mouth first, because it's what he's most sure of. where white drops his hold on mineo's wrist, mineo will be the one to reach out instead then, taking ahold of white's wrist before he can get that far. and then more certainly, like it's the only thing that manages to really make it through the noise - ]
.... I don't want to go. [and that's the aching truth, even if there remains an uncertainty about if that type of request is something that he even deserves] But I don't know how to forgive myself for hurting you.
[because -
he knows he has? after all of that, he knows he has. he knows that he hurt endorsi, medb for stealing away their friend. but he also knows that he hurt white by keeping secrets for the umpteenth time, for letting white continue to trust him all throughout trial without saying a single thing.
and he doesn't know which of them is beating themselves up worse for mineo's mistakes and decisions that he's not allowed to take back, and he's not allowed to make differently because he already committed them to their history]
[white can't hide what breaks through his guard when mineo doesn't walk away—he's stunned, and then relieved.
because mineo stayed, and for all that white technically gave permission—]
... I'll get over it. That wasn't even in, what, the top five worst things you could've done...?
[—leaving, on the other hand, would've been. because there are few things white despairs over like being abandoned, and yet there is nothing that he expects more from others.
he's frustrated and he's hurt. but more than anything, he doesn't know how to deal with the possibility of mineo shutting him out, of having to watch mineo fall apart and feel like he's not able to help. (more selfishly, he fears that once mineo runs out of energy to care, he'll finally wake up and realize white was never worth his time.)
none of that is anything he knows how to voice, though, or if he even should. awkwardness bubbles up inside of him, until he's left to blurt out,]
I don't want you to leave.
because mineo stayed, and for all that white technically gave permission—]
... I'll get over it. That wasn't even in, what, the top five worst things you could've done...?
[—leaving, on the other hand, would've been. because there are few things white despairs over like being abandoned, and yet there is nothing that he expects more from others.
he's frustrated and he's hurt. but more than anything, he doesn't know how to deal with the possibility of mineo shutting him out, of having to watch mineo fall apart and feel like he's not able to help. (more selfishly, he fears that once mineo runs out of energy to care, he'll finally wake up and realize white was never worth his time.)
none of that is anything he knows how to voice, though, or if he even should. awkwardness bubbles up inside of him, until he's left to blurt out,]
I don't want you to leave.
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