[and when white wanders in, mineo's already making two bowls of his gourmet instant ramen
. . . his emotions are a mess. they're a disaster. they're so many things. guilt, uncertainty, resignation, worry, anger at himself but - well. it's fine.]
[white does not want to be here. he doesn't know how to talk to mineo, and he doesn't want to risk having his emotions on display. but—especially after whatever the fuck happened with gojou—the last thing white needs is mineo thinking he hates him and spiraling further into self-loathing.
... not that any of this shows, because when white walks into the kitchen, hands shoved into his pockets, his expression is blank and his feelings equally so.]
it's the lack of anything at all that - manages to set mineo off worse. he doesn't show it. he doesn't show the way that his heart aches a little with the lack of being able to read anything at all, the worry that he's ruined things beyond repair, and the concern that he's forced white into having dinner with him out of politeness.
he finishes putting the ramen in the bowl, and he pushes it toward him.]
... nevermind - I, uh, can handle myself. Just do me a favor and eat this serving? You can leave the bowl in the sink, I'll wash it when I come back.
[but because he's feeling a coward - more now than any other moment - he moves to leave]
he reaches out to grab mineo's wrist. he barely knows what he's doing, with too many words caught in his throat and too many emotions threatening to seep through the cracks in his walls, but—]
You fucking idiot.
[he doesn't know what his own voice sounds like. to him, or to mineo. if it's furious, or pained.]
... No matter what, I'm on your side.
[is he angry at mineo? of course. he's aligned with wrath for a reason. he finds so many reasons to be upset with people. he's hurt, in ways that he doesn't know how to explain; doesn't want to, after insisting that he's used to this.
but the funny thing is, whether it be back home or now... his anger is a fire, and yet when all is burned away, white himself is always the one left stained in the ashes of his own resentment.
(and he will consider mineo more important than himself, always. he can put aside any of his other feelings for that.)]
[ . . . . . he stops when his wrist is grabbed but - it's hard for him to parse. he sifts through white's feelings at that and there's just a feeling of guilt. he knows that he failed him as a best friend, and he knows that he took a lot on himself even when he knows how badly people would've wanted to support him. instead he let white continue all day not knowing anything.
mineo really is the worst.]
.... you don't have to be. [softly, sadly] You can be on anyone else's side, and I get it. My side is.... it's so messy, I don't even know up from down.
[he knows just how wild and chaotic it is, to follow after someone like him.]
I wouldn't be on the side of someone who struggles so much to tell me things, or who fucks up like this.
[for a moment, white grits his teeth, before, his voice low,]
You don't get to decide that for me.
[enough people have tried to tell white what to do or how to feel. he's lied to himself all his life, settled for whatever mentality kept him sane, with the only constant being his desire to live. (but even that, sometimes, is its own illusion. because his obsession with survival is a two-sided coin, and on the other side—the one that he can only voice in his dreams—is that on some days, he cannot see a reason to go on.)
but what he lived for, whether towards the end of his life or here, is the people he cares about.
so while there's still so much he's keeping at bay, the determination that burns from him is genuine.]
Yeah, you're a fucking mess. So am I. Just—don't. Don't—
[don't what? white doesn't know how he was going to finish that sentence.
don't run away, however hypocritically, when white himself feels like doing just that.
don't make me lose you, maybe.
...
then again, it's not as if he's ever been able to hold onto anything. and so, he lets go.]
[that's what leaves his mouth first, because it's what he's most sure of. where white drops his hold on mineo's wrist, mineo will be the one to reach out instead then, taking ahold of white's wrist before he can get that far. and then more certainly, like it's the only thing that manages to really make it through the noise - ]
.... I don't want to go. [and that's the aching truth, even if there remains an uncertainty about if that type of request is something that he even deserves] But I don't know how to forgive myself for hurting you.
[because -
he knows he has? after all of that, he knows he has. he knows that he hurt endorsi, medb for stealing away their friend. but he also knows that he hurt white by keeping secrets for the umpteenth time, for letting white continue to trust him all throughout trial without saying a single thing.
and he doesn't know which of them is beating themselves up worse for mineo's mistakes and decisions that he's not allowed to take back, and he's not allowed to make differently because he already committed them to their history]
[white can't hide what breaks through his guard when mineo doesn't walk away—he's stunned, and then relieved.
because mineo stayed, and for all that white technically gave permission—]
... I'll get over it. That wasn't even in, what, the top five worst things you could've done...?
[—leaving, on the other hand, would've been. because there are few things white despairs over like being abandoned, and yet there is nothing that he expects more from others.
he's frustrated and he's hurt. but more than anything, he doesn't know how to deal with the possibility of mineo shutting him out, of having to watch mineo fall apart and feel like he's not able to help. (more selfishly, he fears that once mineo runs out of energy to care, he'll finally wake up and realize white was never worth his time.)
none of that is anything he knows how to voice, though, or if he even should. awkwardness bubbles up inside of him, until he's left to blurt out,]
awkwardness is more than fine, if it can get him that kind of sincerity and - there's plenty of emotions flying around between the two of them right now, but those words manage to still hit mineo in a way that is both sincere and painful. his heart aches a little bit with an emotion that's difficult to name - a type of longing, of care, of loyalty - but his actions speak before he can quite find the words.
he tugs on white's wrist, using the hold to move him rather firmly, just close enough that mineo can wrap both of his arms around him in a hug, pulling them together as if to insist that he doesn't plan on leaving.]
... then I won't go anywhere.
[firmly, promising.
but then softly - ]
.... just - while I'm here, don't shut me out. [don't go blank, don't hold anything back] I don't... know what to do, when you try to go quiet around me. I'd rather know everything, even if it's difficult or painful, than be left in the dark.
[and that's always been the case, with the two of them]
[when mineo hugs him, he freezes, the first instinct flaring up being to hit mineo—even if he doesn't do as much in reality.
after a few moments, he relaxes, just slightly.
then, the rest comes pouring through. the discomfort, tangled with warmth. it's followed by everything simmering underneath: the sea of raw anger and hurt, confusion, fear, and doubt, clashing against the concern, devotion, and fondness he has for this idiot responsible for most of these emotions. the exhaustion that's seeped into his bones, when all is washed away.
amidst the whirlwind of emotions that he doesn't know what to do with, though, all he can manage to say is—]
[their noodles might get soggy but sshhh it's fine, they'll figure out how to eat it. regardless he doesn't really seem to hesitate then, continuing to hold white close to him as he takes in all of the emotions that come from him.
mineo's answering ones are - guilt, apology, concern, and more than anything just worry for white.]
.... you can hit me, or get mad at me. You can yell at me all you want to. I know I deserve it.
I just... don't want you to keep it to yourself. You can say whatever you need to, and I won't walk away. Promise.
for all that white yells, and he always seems to say whatever's on his mind—there's a lot he still keeps to himself, really. a lot of times where he doesn't know what to say. doesn't want to say whatever he's thinking, and not simply out of embarrassment.
he doesn't hit mineo, though he can almost feel the ache from when he punched endorsi. his anger doesn't spike. at the end of the day, he's more tired than anything.]
... Felt pretty stupid, back there. [bitter amusement leaks into his voice.] People've been asking me all night if I knew all along.
[it's almost humiliating, having to tell them no. looking back, a part of him suspected. that mineo knew something, at least, because he'd been acting odd even on friday, but...
white didn't need for this to be on display for everyone to see.]
It's not like I don't get why you didn't say anything, though.
That's not about you. Me not saying anything, I mean. Endorsi even suspected something on Friday and I had to say something else, it's just - .... I couldn't put it on anyone else. I didn't even like it when Takeru tried to hide the bullet for me, once he realized what it was.
[which has actually soured their relationship and there's a bit of regret from mineo there. there's a little pause and he just sighs, but he doesn't let go of white]
..... you were the only person doing what I wanted anyway - to solve it. To put in real effort. And... I know that maybe that's self-serving and manipulative, and fucked up but -
I don't always trust people would do it, if they knew it me. If they would let me put myself in danger like that.
[and there's guilt, because he knew that it would worry people but... there's also firm resolve. he wanted to get caught, even if every single person who cares about him wanted the opposite]
But I still know that was selfish - and I'm sorry that you felt foolish. You're not stupid at all.
I know. I said I got why you did it, didn't I? I'd like to think I have at least some idea of what kind of idiot you are.
[he realized as soon as takeru came back and he and mineo started acting strange towards each other—because it was obvious to white, at least, why mineo would feel the way he did during that exchange.
... but still, he feels used. it's nothing new to him, and that's why he'll move on quickly enough, but... the weaker? stronger? part of him that wanted to expect more is drowning.]
... Though maybe not, since I was almost tempted to use my ability on you to make sure you weren't going to vote for yourself.
[he'd rather never have to use that ability on a friend, honestly. better to wait until they're willing to tell the truth of their own will; he doesn't want to tear it out of them.
but in that moment, even when feeling mineo's sincerity as he declared his intention of a no-vote, white was terrified and trying not to show it.]
[ . . . . oh. there's a little bit of surprise there, and mineo falters a bit himself. before he just has to admit]
... no. I wouldn't. I... don't really believe in choosing death, when I have the option to live. I just had to trust that no one else would feel like voting for me - I just... wanted to make sure my name was the one they'd reach for, if they did at all.
I'm sorry - I didn't realize that's what you were scared of.
[and he does hug him a little closer at that, automatically, like it'd be enough to calm his nerves]
I wouldn't choose to leave you or anyone else like that.
[there's relief over that. then, a pause before discomfort arises—apparently, white's decided that this is enough vulnerability on his part, as he lightly pushes mineo away.]
... All right. [...] Still, this place has done a number to you, huh?
[concern flickers.]
I remember, near the beginning of all this, that you said you weren't sure what you'd kill someone over.
[ . . . well, he'll let himself get pushed and - there's a little swell of unease there. he just huffs out a breath at that before he goes to retrieve their bowls again. only slightly mushy ramen. it also gives him a second to sort of just. breathe.]
... yeah. I guess... my answer was less surprising than what I thought.
[he moves to hand white a bowl and - even though there's some guilt in mineo's feelings, there's also resolve. a lack of regret.]
If it means protecting the people important to me from a known murderer before he could hurt anybody else, when I didn't trust him to behave.... I could make a decision I could live with.
I don't know if it's done a number on me... Maybe it has. I... do feel like some things are clearer, I guess.
[he takes the bowl, before letting out a light scoff, even if there's no real amusement.]
... Well, just don't end up like me. [or endorsi, he almost adds on reflex, but he swiftly shuts down those words, along with the grief and anger that swells up for a moment.] Your ideals are important to you, right?
[it's not something he can truly empathize with, when he doesn't operate on a moral compass so much as an instinctive and occasionally inconsistent "what am i most okay with at any given moment", but given how his life turned out, he wouldn't necessarily advocate that way of life.]
... they are. [and there's something a little firmer at that - coupled with just a splash of worry] But... I also know that I have to make choices, and I have to move forward. I can't be the person I always was - who either clung onto blind absolutes, or couldn't make a choice because I was so caught up.
[at least now, he seems to have grappled enough with the shades of gray in the world. sort of. there's still a lot that he struggles with but.]
.... sometimes things have to bend a little, before they break.
... Mm. Yeah. [he makes a move to grab chopsticks.] The world's not nice enough to always hand you situations where you don't have to choose.
[still, he can't stop his concern for mineo from bubbling over.]
Well... do your best. It sucks, but don't let it keep you down.
[he'd like to help if he could, but considering that he already broke a long, long time ago, he doesn't even know what he could say. there are other people here far more suited to give mineo advice on how to navigate through this.]
[ . . . . he nods at that, in agreement. he starts to eat some of his own ramen in thought, if only to take up the space. it's... a little funny. at least here, there's no regret. there's less cacophony. he made his choice, and he doesn't regret it.]
... I only hate how people are treating me now.
[if he's honest. and that's where there are sparks of - struggle. of uncertainty. of worry.]
... I killed someone, and no one's mad. Well - some of them are... less than pleased, but it's less at me, and more at the situation. I get that. But...
I don't know. [his brow furrows] I thought... it'd be a little bit more at me.
Well, they'd probably be more pissed if this was weeks ago—both 'cause they wouldn't know you as well and 'cause we hadn't just gone through a bunch of worse killers like Mahito and Childe. [...] At this point, most of the people that're left either would've been okay with it in the first place or, like you, adjusted their values.
[he points his chopsticks at mineo.]
... Wouldn't be surprised if the afterlife's more annoyed, though. I mean, if I were Law, I'd be rolling in my grave after we offed him for killing someone we all kinda thought was a serial killer anyway. Even if it made more sense back then not to try for a no-vote.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
week 6, saturday.
later into the night:]
remember to eat sometime
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it takes
a little while to respond]
I havent yet
You dont want to grab a bite with me?
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fine
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[and when white wanders in, mineo's already making two bowls of his gourmet instant ramen
. . . his emotions are a mess. they're a disaster. they're so many things. guilt, uncertainty, resignation, worry, anger at himself but - well. it's fine.]
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... not that any of this shows, because when white walks into the kitchen, hands shoved into his pockets, his expression is blank and his feelings equally so.]
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it's the lack of anything at all that - manages to set mineo off worse. he doesn't show it. he doesn't show the way that his heart aches a little with the lack of being able to read anything at all, the worry that he's ruined things beyond repair, and the concern that he's forced white into having dinner with him out of politeness.
he finishes putting the ramen in the bowl, and he pushes it toward him.]
... nevermind - I, uh, can handle myself. Just do me a favor and eat this serving? You can leave the bowl in the sink, I'll wash it when I come back.
[but because he's feeling a coward - more now than any other moment - he moves to leave]
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he reaches out to grab mineo's wrist. he barely knows what he's doing, with too many words caught in his throat and too many emotions threatening to seep through the cracks in his walls, but—]
You fucking idiot.
[he doesn't know what his own voice sounds like. to him, or to mineo. if it's furious, or pained.]
... No matter what, I'm on your side.
[is he angry at mineo? of course. he's aligned with wrath for a reason. he finds so many reasons to be upset with people. he's hurt, in ways that he doesn't know how to explain; doesn't want to, after insisting that he's used to this.
but the funny thing is, whether it be back home or now... his anger is a fire, and yet when all is burned away, white himself is always the one left stained in the ashes of his own resentment.
(and he will consider mineo more important than himself, always. he can put aside any of his other feelings for that.)]
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mineo really is the worst.]
.... you don't have to be. [softly, sadly] You can be on anyone else's side, and I get it. My side is.... it's so messy, I don't even know up from down.
[he knows just how wild and chaotic it is, to follow after someone like him.]
I wouldn't be on the side of someone who struggles so much to tell me things, or who fucks up like this.
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You don't get to decide that for me.
[enough people have tried to tell white what to do or how to feel. he's lied to himself all his life, settled for whatever mentality kept him sane, with the only constant being his desire to live. (but even that, sometimes, is its own illusion. because his obsession with survival is a two-sided coin, and on the other side—the one that he can only voice in his dreams—is that on some days, he cannot see a reason to go on.)
but what he lived for, whether towards the end of his life or here, is the people he cares about.
so while there's still so much he's keeping at bay, the determination that burns from him is genuine.]
Yeah, you're a fucking mess. So am I. Just—don't. Don't—
[don't what? white doesn't know how he was going to finish that sentence.
don't run away, however hypocritically, when white himself feels like doing just that.
don't make me lose you, maybe.
...
then again, it's not as if he's ever been able to hold onto anything. and so, he lets go.]
... If you want to go, then go.
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[that's what leaves his mouth first, because it's what he's most sure of. where white drops his hold on mineo's wrist, mineo will be the one to reach out instead then, taking ahold of white's wrist before he can get that far. and then more certainly, like it's the only thing that manages to really make it through the noise - ]
.... I don't want to go. [and that's the aching truth, even if there remains an uncertainty about if that type of request is something that he even deserves] But I don't know how to forgive myself for hurting you.
[because -
he knows he has? after all of that, he knows he has. he knows that he hurt endorsi, medb for stealing away their friend. but he also knows that he hurt white by keeping secrets for the umpteenth time, for letting white continue to trust him all throughout trial without saying a single thing.
and he doesn't know which of them is beating themselves up worse for mineo's mistakes and decisions that he's not allowed to take back, and he's not allowed to make differently because he already committed them to their history]
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because mineo stayed, and for all that white technically gave permission—]
... I'll get over it. That wasn't even in, what, the top five worst things you could've done...?
[—leaving, on the other hand, would've been. because there are few things white despairs over like being abandoned, and yet there is nothing that he expects more from others.
he's frustrated and he's hurt. but more than anything, he doesn't know how to deal with the possibility of mineo shutting him out, of having to watch mineo fall apart and feel like he's not able to help. (more selfishly, he fears that once mineo runs out of energy to care, he'll finally wake up and realize white was never worth his time.)
none of that is anything he knows how to voice, though, or if he even should. awkwardness bubbles up inside of him, until he's left to blurt out,]
I don't want you to leave.
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awkwardness is more than fine, if it can get him that kind of sincerity and - there's plenty of emotions flying around between the two of them right now, but those words manage to still hit mineo in a way that is both sincere and painful. his heart aches a little bit with an emotion that's difficult to name - a type of longing, of care, of loyalty - but his actions speak before he can quite find the words.
he tugs on white's wrist, using the hold to move him rather firmly, just close enough that mineo can wrap both of his arms around him in a hug, pulling them together as if to insist that he doesn't plan on leaving.]
... then I won't go anywhere.
[firmly, promising.
but then softly - ]
.... just - while I'm here, don't shut me out. [don't go blank, don't hold anything back] I don't... know what to do, when you try to go quiet around me. I'd rather know everything, even if it's difficult or painful, than be left in the dark.
[and that's always been the case, with the two of them]
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after a few moments, he relaxes, just slightly.
then, the rest comes pouring through. the discomfort, tangled with warmth. it's followed by everything simmering underneath: the sea of raw anger and hurt, confusion, fear, and doubt, clashing against the concern, devotion, and fondness he has for this idiot responsible for most of these emotions. the exhaustion that's seeped into his bones, when all is washed away.
amidst the whirlwind of emotions that he doesn't know what to do with, though, all he can manage to say is—]
... Your food's gonna get cold.
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[their noodles might get soggy but sshhh it's fine, they'll figure out how to eat it. regardless he doesn't really seem to hesitate then, continuing to hold white close to him as he takes in all of the emotions that come from him.
mineo's answering ones are - guilt, apology, concern, and more than anything just worry for white.]
.... you can hit me, or get mad at me. You can yell at me all you want to. I know I deserve it.
I just... don't want you to keep it to yourself. You can say whatever you need to, and I won't walk away. Promise.
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for all that white yells, and he always seems to say whatever's on his mind—there's a lot he still keeps to himself, really. a lot of times where he doesn't know what to say. doesn't want to say whatever he's thinking, and not simply out of embarrassment.
he doesn't hit mineo, though he can almost feel the ache from when he punched endorsi. his anger doesn't spike. at the end of the day, he's more tired than anything.]
... Felt pretty stupid, back there. [bitter amusement leaks into his voice.] People've been asking me all night if I knew all along.
[it's almost humiliating, having to tell them no. looking back, a part of him suspected. that mineo knew something, at least, because he'd been acting odd even on friday, but...
white didn't need for this to be on display for everyone to see.]
It's not like I don't get why you didn't say anything, though.
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That's not about you. Me not saying anything, I mean. Endorsi even suspected something on Friday and I had to say something else, it's just - .... I couldn't put it on anyone else. I didn't even like it when Takeru tried to hide the bullet for me, once he realized what it was.
[which has actually soured their relationship and there's a bit of regret from mineo there. there's a little pause and he just sighs, but he doesn't let go of white]
..... you were the only person doing what I wanted anyway - to solve it. To put in real effort. And... I know that maybe that's self-serving and manipulative, and fucked up but -
I don't always trust people would do it, if they knew it me. If they would let me put myself in danger like that.
[and there's guilt, because he knew that it would worry people but... there's also firm resolve. he wanted to get caught, even if every single person who cares about him wanted the opposite]
But I still know that was selfish - and I'm sorry that you felt foolish. You're not stupid at all.
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I know. I said I got why you did it, didn't I? I'd like to think I have at least some idea of what kind of idiot you are.
[he realized as soon as takeru came back and he and mineo started acting strange towards each other—because it was obvious to white, at least, why mineo would feel the way he did during that exchange.
... but still, he feels used. it's nothing new to him, and that's why he'll move on quickly enough, but... the weaker? stronger? part of him that wanted to expect more is drowning.]
... Though maybe not, since I was almost tempted to use my ability on you to make sure you weren't going to vote for yourself.
[he'd rather never have to use that ability on a friend, honestly. better to wait until they're willing to tell the truth of their own will; he doesn't want to tear it out of them.
but in that moment, even when feeling mineo's sincerity as he declared his intention of a no-vote, white was terrified and trying not to show it.]
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... no. I wouldn't. I... don't really believe in choosing death, when I have the option to live. I just had to trust that no one else would feel like voting for me - I just... wanted to make sure my name was the one they'd reach for, if they did at all.
I'm sorry - I didn't realize that's what you were scared of.
[and he does hug him a little closer at that, automatically, like it'd be enough to calm his nerves]
I wouldn't choose to leave you or anyone else like that.
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... All right. [...] Still, this place has done a number to you, huh?
[concern flickers.]
I remember, near the beginning of all this, that you said you weren't sure what you'd kill someone over.
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... yeah. I guess... my answer was less surprising than what I thought.
[he moves to hand white a bowl and - even though there's some guilt in mineo's feelings, there's also resolve. a lack of regret.]
If it means protecting the people important to me from a known murderer before he could hurt anybody else, when I didn't trust him to behave.... I could make a decision I could live with.
I don't know if it's done a number on me... Maybe it has. I... do feel like some things are clearer, I guess.
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... Well, just don't end up like me. [or endorsi, he almost adds on reflex, but he swiftly shuts down those words, along with the grief and anger that swells up for a moment.] Your ideals are important to you, right?
[it's not something he can truly empathize with, when he doesn't operate on a moral compass so much as an instinctive and occasionally inconsistent "what am i most okay with at any given moment", but given how his life turned out, he wouldn't necessarily advocate that way of life.]
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[at least now, he seems to have grappled enough with the shades of gray in the world. sort of. there's still a lot that he struggles with but.]
.... sometimes things have to bend a little, before they break.
[he'd rather adjust and compromise than shatter.]
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[still, he can't stop his concern for mineo from bubbling over.]
Well... do your best. It sucks, but don't let it keep you down.
[he'd like to help if he could, but considering that he already broke a long, long time ago, he doesn't even know what he could say. there are other people here far more suited to give mineo advice on how to navigate through this.]
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... I only hate how people are treating me now.
[if he's honest. and that's where there are sparks of - struggle. of uncertainty. of worry.]
... I killed someone, and no one's mad. Well - some of them are... less than pleased, but it's less at me, and more at the situation. I get that. But...
I don't know. [his brow furrows] I thought... it'd be a little bit more at me.
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Well, they'd probably be more pissed if this was weeks ago—both 'cause they wouldn't know you as well and 'cause we hadn't just gone through a bunch of worse killers like Mahito and Childe. [...] At this point, most of the people that're left either would've been okay with it in the first place or, like you, adjusted their values.
[he points his chopsticks at mineo.]
... Wouldn't be surprised if the afterlife's more annoyed, though. I mean, if I were Law, I'd be rolling in my grave after we offed him for killing someone we all kinda thought was a serial killer anyway. Even if it made more sense back then not to try for a no-vote.
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