[white can't hide what breaks through his guard when mineo doesn't walk away—he's stunned, and then relieved.
because mineo stayed, and for all that white technically gave permission—]
... I'll get over it. That wasn't even in, what, the top five worst things you could've done...?
[—leaving, on the other hand, would've been. because there are few things white despairs over like being abandoned, and yet there is nothing that he expects more from others.
he's frustrated and he's hurt. but more than anything, he doesn't know how to deal with the possibility of mineo shutting him out, of having to watch mineo fall apart and feel like he's not able to help. (more selfishly, he fears that once mineo runs out of energy to care, he'll finally wake up and realize white was never worth his time.)
none of that is anything he knows how to voice, though, or if he even should. awkwardness bubbles up inside of him, until he's left to blurt out,]
awkwardness is more than fine, if it can get him that kind of sincerity and - there's plenty of emotions flying around between the two of them right now, but those words manage to still hit mineo in a way that is both sincere and painful. his heart aches a little bit with an emotion that's difficult to name - a type of longing, of care, of loyalty - but his actions speak before he can quite find the words.
he tugs on white's wrist, using the hold to move him rather firmly, just close enough that mineo can wrap both of his arms around him in a hug, pulling them together as if to insist that he doesn't plan on leaving.]
... then I won't go anywhere.
[firmly, promising.
but then softly - ]
.... just - while I'm here, don't shut me out. [don't go blank, don't hold anything back] I don't... know what to do, when you try to go quiet around me. I'd rather know everything, even if it's difficult or painful, than be left in the dark.
[and that's always been the case, with the two of them]
[when mineo hugs him, he freezes, the first instinct flaring up being to hit mineo—even if he doesn't do as much in reality.
after a few moments, he relaxes, just slightly.
then, the rest comes pouring through. the discomfort, tangled with warmth. it's followed by everything simmering underneath: the sea of raw anger and hurt, confusion, fear, and doubt, clashing against the concern, devotion, and fondness he has for this idiot responsible for most of these emotions. the exhaustion that's seeped into his bones, when all is washed away.
amidst the whirlwind of emotions that he doesn't know what to do with, though, all he can manage to say is—]
[their noodles might get soggy but sshhh it's fine, they'll figure out how to eat it. regardless he doesn't really seem to hesitate then, continuing to hold white close to him as he takes in all of the emotions that come from him.
mineo's answering ones are - guilt, apology, concern, and more than anything just worry for white.]
.... you can hit me, or get mad at me. You can yell at me all you want to. I know I deserve it.
I just... don't want you to keep it to yourself. You can say whatever you need to, and I won't walk away. Promise.
for all that white yells, and he always seems to say whatever's on his mind—there's a lot he still keeps to himself, really. a lot of times where he doesn't know what to say. doesn't want to say whatever he's thinking, and not simply out of embarrassment.
he doesn't hit mineo, though he can almost feel the ache from when he punched endorsi. his anger doesn't spike. at the end of the day, he's more tired than anything.]
... Felt pretty stupid, back there. [bitter amusement leaks into his voice.] People've been asking me all night if I knew all along.
[it's almost humiliating, having to tell them no. looking back, a part of him suspected. that mineo knew something, at least, because he'd been acting odd even on friday, but...
white didn't need for this to be on display for everyone to see.]
It's not like I don't get why you didn't say anything, though.
That's not about you. Me not saying anything, I mean. Endorsi even suspected something on Friday and I had to say something else, it's just - .... I couldn't put it on anyone else. I didn't even like it when Takeru tried to hide the bullet for me, once he realized what it was.
[which has actually soured their relationship and there's a bit of regret from mineo there. there's a little pause and he just sighs, but he doesn't let go of white]
..... you were the only person doing what I wanted anyway - to solve it. To put in real effort. And... I know that maybe that's self-serving and manipulative, and fucked up but -
I don't always trust people would do it, if they knew it me. If they would let me put myself in danger like that.
[and there's guilt, because he knew that it would worry people but... there's also firm resolve. he wanted to get caught, even if every single person who cares about him wanted the opposite]
But I still know that was selfish - and I'm sorry that you felt foolish. You're not stupid at all.
I know. I said I got why you did it, didn't I? I'd like to think I have at least some idea of what kind of idiot you are.
[he realized as soon as takeru came back and he and mineo started acting strange towards each other—because it was obvious to white, at least, why mineo would feel the way he did during that exchange.
... but still, he feels used. it's nothing new to him, and that's why he'll move on quickly enough, but... the weaker? stronger? part of him that wanted to expect more is drowning.]
... Though maybe not, since I was almost tempted to use my ability on you to make sure you weren't going to vote for yourself.
[he'd rather never have to use that ability on a friend, honestly. better to wait until they're willing to tell the truth of their own will; he doesn't want to tear it out of them.
but in that moment, even when feeling mineo's sincerity as he declared his intention of a no-vote, white was terrified and trying not to show it.]
[ . . . . oh. there's a little bit of surprise there, and mineo falters a bit himself. before he just has to admit]
... no. I wouldn't. I... don't really believe in choosing death, when I have the option to live. I just had to trust that no one else would feel like voting for me - I just... wanted to make sure my name was the one they'd reach for, if they did at all.
I'm sorry - I didn't realize that's what you were scared of.
[and he does hug him a little closer at that, automatically, like it'd be enough to calm his nerves]
I wouldn't choose to leave you or anyone else like that.
[there's relief over that. then, a pause before discomfort arises—apparently, white's decided that this is enough vulnerability on his part, as he lightly pushes mineo away.]
... All right. [...] Still, this place has done a number to you, huh?
[concern flickers.]
I remember, near the beginning of all this, that you said you weren't sure what you'd kill someone over.
[ . . . well, he'll let himself get pushed and - there's a little swell of unease there. he just huffs out a breath at that before he goes to retrieve their bowls again. only slightly mushy ramen. it also gives him a second to sort of just. breathe.]
... yeah. I guess... my answer was less surprising than what I thought.
[he moves to hand white a bowl and - even though there's some guilt in mineo's feelings, there's also resolve. a lack of regret.]
If it means protecting the people important to me from a known murderer before he could hurt anybody else, when I didn't trust him to behave.... I could make a decision I could live with.
I don't know if it's done a number on me... Maybe it has. I... do feel like some things are clearer, I guess.
[he takes the bowl, before letting out a light scoff, even if there's no real amusement.]
... Well, just don't end up like me. [or endorsi, he almost adds on reflex, but he swiftly shuts down those words, along with the grief and anger that swells up for a moment.] Your ideals are important to you, right?
[it's not something he can truly empathize with, when he doesn't operate on a moral compass so much as an instinctive and occasionally inconsistent "what am i most okay with at any given moment", but given how his life turned out, he wouldn't necessarily advocate that way of life.]
... they are. [and there's something a little firmer at that - coupled with just a splash of worry] But... I also know that I have to make choices, and I have to move forward. I can't be the person I always was - who either clung onto blind absolutes, or couldn't make a choice because I was so caught up.
[at least now, he seems to have grappled enough with the shades of gray in the world. sort of. there's still a lot that he struggles with but.]
.... sometimes things have to bend a little, before they break.
... Mm. Yeah. [he makes a move to grab chopsticks.] The world's not nice enough to always hand you situations where you don't have to choose.
[still, he can't stop his concern for mineo from bubbling over.]
Well... do your best. It sucks, but don't let it keep you down.
[he'd like to help if he could, but considering that he already broke a long, long time ago, he doesn't even know what he could say. there are other people here far more suited to give mineo advice on how to navigate through this.]
[ . . . . he nods at that, in agreement. he starts to eat some of his own ramen in thought, if only to take up the space. it's... a little funny. at least here, there's no regret. there's less cacophony. he made his choice, and he doesn't regret it.]
... I only hate how people are treating me now.
[if he's honest. and that's where there are sparks of - struggle. of uncertainty. of worry.]
... I killed someone, and no one's mad. Well - some of them are... less than pleased, but it's less at me, and more at the situation. I get that. But...
I don't know. [his brow furrows] I thought... it'd be a little bit more at me.
Well, they'd probably be more pissed if this was weeks ago—both 'cause they wouldn't know you as well and 'cause we hadn't just gone through a bunch of worse killers like Mahito and Childe. [...] At this point, most of the people that're left either would've been okay with it in the first place or, like you, adjusted their values.
[he points his chopsticks at mineo.]
... Wouldn't be surprised if the afterlife's more annoyed, though. I mean, if I were Law, I'd be rolling in my grave after we offed him for killing someone we all kinda thought was a serial killer anyway. Even if it made more sense back then not to try for a no-vote.
[ . . . . he looks thoughtful about it then, eating some of his ramen and nodding along in agreement.]
... I thought Queen Medb would've been the one that would be the most likely to vote - or Primrose-san. [but both of them had been talked down eventually.] But as long as Mahito was around, I probably wouldn't have trusted a no vote. He would've agreed and then voted for Satoru anyway.
[there's a flare of both anger and protectiveness there. terrible. but he just sighs.]
I'll accept what comes of it. I really thought I was going to get voted for yesterday anyway.
[there's... a little bit of resignation, a little bit of sadness - but at the same time there's a lack of fear.]
But if people are willing to talk to me, then... I can at least appreciate that.
[ . . . . there is a beat of exhaustion at that. and the smallest, tiniest spark of gratitude, though it has a hard time competing against the rest of what mineo's feeling.]
... have you considered that I wouldn't want that?
[ . . . . there's a pause, brief, before he reaches out to place a hand on white's shoulder]
.... I'm going to live. I'm okay, and I'm right here. You don't need to be concerned about that.
[ . . . . ]
Let's make sure it doesn't happen. But... I know how hard it can be to control your feelings after losing someone you care about. I just... thought I'd say something.
[he's afraid. he can't not be. it's the same feeling he had, weeks ago, when he was cursed and made to live out a happiness that turned out to be false—that these things never last for long.
... then again, maybe he has nothing to fear. after all, even if he and mineo survive to the end, that'll still be it for the both of them, as dead men walking. in that regard, white already knows that this will all disappear sooner or later.
he stares down at his bowl.]
... Mm-hmm.
[a note of apology, because while he doesn't say that he would actually stand down if mineo truly asked him to, this is one area where he's more willing to ignore mineo's feelings on the matter than most.]
[ . . . . the apology doesn't sit right with him. it's uncomfortable, and doesn't really align with everything else that mineo wants to say or feel. so instead he just manages to eat some more of his food, quietly, and then he'll just move so he can stand next to white and -
lean against him lightly. physical contact where their sides align, even as mineo focuses mostly on the ramen.]
.... I don't deserve you, you know. You'll argue with me, but I'm pretty sure.
[there's affection and care, even with the complicated... everything else.]
Thanks. For caring about me as much as you do.
[he gets it - he does. he knows exactly why white is so defensive and protective of him and... even if the way that it's executed might not align with mineo's ideals, he really does find the sentiments touching.
it's just up to him to make sure that those sentiments don't kill anyone]
[he can't stop the bit of warmth that spreads through him at the contact, even if he does his best to kill it off before it gets too obvious.
at least the embarrassment that follows, with mineo's words, helps to cover it up. as he focuses on trying to pick up the noodles with his chopsticks—]
... Yeah, you're right. I do disagree with that. Idiot.
[it's probably a little bad - how even though white's calling him an idiot, he has to look off to the side briefly to try to shut down the soft laugh that escapes him. it doesn't really work. there's so many notes of fondness and warmth that it's hard to smother.
appreciation, gratitude - that even now, white hasn't decided to change his mind about how vehemently he argues with mineo about his own worth.
. . . . he bumps against white's side a little bit more]
.... am I allowed to kiss you without things getting too weird?
Or - would that be... too much? With everything...
[a bit of petty indignation bursts at the smothered laugh—he can feel that, asshole—as he scratches at his cheek... not that it helps, when mineo speaks and white promptly turns red.
the surprise is clear. he'd always assumed that their kiss weeks ago would be the one and only time, with the justification of "indulgence". then, never to be brought up again.]
W-Where is this coming from...? But, uh... I wouldn't exactly mind...
[he doesn't know where he and mineo stand, or if it matters at all, but it's not like he'd be opposed to kissing the person he likes?]
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because mineo stayed, and for all that white technically gave permission—]
... I'll get over it. That wasn't even in, what, the top five worst things you could've done...?
[—leaving, on the other hand, would've been. because there are few things white despairs over like being abandoned, and yet there is nothing that he expects more from others.
he's frustrated and he's hurt. but more than anything, he doesn't know how to deal with the possibility of mineo shutting him out, of having to watch mineo fall apart and feel like he's not able to help. (more selfishly, he fears that once mineo runs out of energy to care, he'll finally wake up and realize white was never worth his time.)
none of that is anything he knows how to voice, though, or if he even should. awkwardness bubbles up inside of him, until he's left to blurt out,]
I don't want you to leave.
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awkwardness is more than fine, if it can get him that kind of sincerity and - there's plenty of emotions flying around between the two of them right now, but those words manage to still hit mineo in a way that is both sincere and painful. his heart aches a little bit with an emotion that's difficult to name - a type of longing, of care, of loyalty - but his actions speak before he can quite find the words.
he tugs on white's wrist, using the hold to move him rather firmly, just close enough that mineo can wrap both of his arms around him in a hug, pulling them together as if to insist that he doesn't plan on leaving.]
... then I won't go anywhere.
[firmly, promising.
but then softly - ]
.... just - while I'm here, don't shut me out. [don't go blank, don't hold anything back] I don't... know what to do, when you try to go quiet around me. I'd rather know everything, even if it's difficult or painful, than be left in the dark.
[and that's always been the case, with the two of them]
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after a few moments, he relaxes, just slightly.
then, the rest comes pouring through. the discomfort, tangled with warmth. it's followed by everything simmering underneath: the sea of raw anger and hurt, confusion, fear, and doubt, clashing against the concern, devotion, and fondness he has for this idiot responsible for most of these emotions. the exhaustion that's seeped into his bones, when all is washed away.
amidst the whirlwind of emotions that he doesn't know what to do with, though, all he can manage to say is—]
... Your food's gonna get cold.
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[their noodles might get soggy but sshhh it's fine, they'll figure out how to eat it. regardless he doesn't really seem to hesitate then, continuing to hold white close to him as he takes in all of the emotions that come from him.
mineo's answering ones are - guilt, apology, concern, and more than anything just worry for white.]
.... you can hit me, or get mad at me. You can yell at me all you want to. I know I deserve it.
I just... don't want you to keep it to yourself. You can say whatever you need to, and I won't walk away. Promise.
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for all that white yells, and he always seems to say whatever's on his mind—there's a lot he still keeps to himself, really. a lot of times where he doesn't know what to say. doesn't want to say whatever he's thinking, and not simply out of embarrassment.
he doesn't hit mineo, though he can almost feel the ache from when he punched endorsi. his anger doesn't spike. at the end of the day, he's more tired than anything.]
... Felt pretty stupid, back there. [bitter amusement leaks into his voice.] People've been asking me all night if I knew all along.
[it's almost humiliating, having to tell them no. looking back, a part of him suspected. that mineo knew something, at least, because he'd been acting odd even on friday, but...
white didn't need for this to be on display for everyone to see.]
It's not like I don't get why you didn't say anything, though.
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That's not about you. Me not saying anything, I mean. Endorsi even suspected something on Friday and I had to say something else, it's just - .... I couldn't put it on anyone else. I didn't even like it when Takeru tried to hide the bullet for me, once he realized what it was.
[which has actually soured their relationship and there's a bit of regret from mineo there. there's a little pause and he just sighs, but he doesn't let go of white]
..... you were the only person doing what I wanted anyway - to solve it. To put in real effort. And... I know that maybe that's self-serving and manipulative, and fucked up but -
I don't always trust people would do it, if they knew it me. If they would let me put myself in danger like that.
[and there's guilt, because he knew that it would worry people but... there's also firm resolve. he wanted to get caught, even if every single person who cares about him wanted the opposite]
But I still know that was selfish - and I'm sorry that you felt foolish. You're not stupid at all.
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I know. I said I got why you did it, didn't I? I'd like to think I have at least some idea of what kind of idiot you are.
[he realized as soon as takeru came back and he and mineo started acting strange towards each other—because it was obvious to white, at least, why mineo would feel the way he did during that exchange.
... but still, he feels used. it's nothing new to him, and that's why he'll move on quickly enough, but... the weaker? stronger? part of him that wanted to expect more is drowning.]
... Though maybe not, since I was almost tempted to use my ability on you to make sure you weren't going to vote for yourself.
[he'd rather never have to use that ability on a friend, honestly. better to wait until they're willing to tell the truth of their own will; he doesn't want to tear it out of them.
but in that moment, even when feeling mineo's sincerity as he declared his intention of a no-vote, white was terrified and trying not to show it.]
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... no. I wouldn't. I... don't really believe in choosing death, when I have the option to live. I just had to trust that no one else would feel like voting for me - I just... wanted to make sure my name was the one they'd reach for, if they did at all.
I'm sorry - I didn't realize that's what you were scared of.
[and he does hug him a little closer at that, automatically, like it'd be enough to calm his nerves]
I wouldn't choose to leave you or anyone else like that.
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... All right. [...] Still, this place has done a number to you, huh?
[concern flickers.]
I remember, near the beginning of all this, that you said you weren't sure what you'd kill someone over.
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... yeah. I guess... my answer was less surprising than what I thought.
[he moves to hand white a bowl and - even though there's some guilt in mineo's feelings, there's also resolve. a lack of regret.]
If it means protecting the people important to me from a known murderer before he could hurt anybody else, when I didn't trust him to behave.... I could make a decision I could live with.
I don't know if it's done a number on me... Maybe it has. I... do feel like some things are clearer, I guess.
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... Well, just don't end up like me. [or endorsi, he almost adds on reflex, but he swiftly shuts down those words, along with the grief and anger that swells up for a moment.] Your ideals are important to you, right?
[it's not something he can truly empathize with, when he doesn't operate on a moral compass so much as an instinctive and occasionally inconsistent "what am i most okay with at any given moment", but given how his life turned out, he wouldn't necessarily advocate that way of life.]
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[at least now, he seems to have grappled enough with the shades of gray in the world. sort of. there's still a lot that he struggles with but.]
.... sometimes things have to bend a little, before they break.
[he'd rather adjust and compromise than shatter.]
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[still, he can't stop his concern for mineo from bubbling over.]
Well... do your best. It sucks, but don't let it keep you down.
[he'd like to help if he could, but considering that he already broke a long, long time ago, he doesn't even know what he could say. there are other people here far more suited to give mineo advice on how to navigate through this.]
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... I only hate how people are treating me now.
[if he's honest. and that's where there are sparks of - struggle. of uncertainty. of worry.]
... I killed someone, and no one's mad. Well - some of them are... less than pleased, but it's less at me, and more at the situation. I get that. But...
I don't know. [his brow furrows] I thought... it'd be a little bit more at me.
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Well, they'd probably be more pissed if this was weeks ago—both 'cause they wouldn't know you as well and 'cause we hadn't just gone through a bunch of worse killers like Mahito and Childe. [...] At this point, most of the people that're left either would've been okay with it in the first place or, like you, adjusted their values.
[he points his chopsticks at mineo.]
... Wouldn't be surprised if the afterlife's more annoyed, though. I mean, if I were Law, I'd be rolling in my grave after we offed him for killing someone we all kinda thought was a serial killer anyway. Even if it made more sense back then not to try for a no-vote.
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... I thought Queen Medb would've been the one that would be the most likely to vote - or Primrose-san. [but both of them had been talked down eventually.] But as long as Mahito was around, I probably wouldn't have trusted a no vote. He would've agreed and then voted for Satoru anyway.
[there's a flare of both anger and protectiveness there. terrible. but he just sighs.]
I'll accept what comes of it. I really thought I was going to get voted for yesterday anyway.
[there's... a little bit of resignation, a little bit of sadness - but at the same time there's a lack of fear.]
But if people are willing to talk to me, then... I can at least appreciate that.
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If anyone does anything to you, I'll kill them. Just as an FYI.
[despite the casual way he says it, that is not an empty threat.]
So, y'know. Try not to die.
[mineo said he'd rather not choose death, and white believes in that, but also. just throwing that out there.]
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... have you considered that I wouldn't want that?
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... I'm aware.
[there's a flicker of hesitation, before it simmers in guilt until white shoves it all down.
he's never thought once, since it became relevant, that mineo would want that. but, in the end, white's on wrath for a reason.]
So like I said—consider that an incentive to try and live. People got talked down once, so just... do it again.
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.... I'm going to live. I'm okay, and I'm right here. You don't need to be concerned about that.
[ . . . . ]
Let's make sure it doesn't happen. But... I know how hard it can be to control your feelings after losing someone you care about. I just... thought I'd say something.
[even if it makes him a hypocrite]
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... then again, maybe he has nothing to fear. after all, even if he and mineo survive to the end, that'll still be it for the both of them, as dead men walking. in that regard, white already knows that this will all disappear sooner or later.
he stares down at his bowl.]
... Mm-hmm.
[a note of apology, because while he doesn't say that he would actually stand down if mineo truly asked him to, this is one area where he's more willing to ignore mineo's feelings on the matter than most.]
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lean against him lightly. physical contact where their sides align, even as mineo focuses mostly on the ramen.]
.... I don't deserve you, you know. You'll argue with me, but I'm pretty sure.
[there's affection and care, even with the complicated... everything else.]
Thanks. For caring about me as much as you do.
[he gets it - he does. he knows exactly why white is so defensive and protective of him and... even if the way that it's executed might not align with mineo's ideals, he really does find the sentiments touching.
it's just up to him to make sure that those sentiments don't kill anyone]
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at least the embarrassment that follows, with mineo's words, helps to cover it up. as he focuses on trying to pick up the noodles with his chopsticks—]
... Yeah, you're right. I do disagree with that. Idiot.
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appreciation, gratitude - that even now, white hasn't decided to change his mind about how vehemently he argues with mineo about his own worth.
. . . . he bumps against white's side a little bit more]
.... am I allowed to kiss you without things getting too weird?
Or - would that be... too much? With everything...
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the surprise is clear. he'd always assumed that their kiss weeks ago would be the one and only time, with the justification of "indulgence". then, never to be brought up again.]
W-Where is this coming from...? But, uh... I wouldn't exactly mind...
[he doesn't know where he and mineo stand, or if it matters at all, but it's not like he'd be opposed to kissing the person he likes?]
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